Friday, 30 October 2015

British police to be allowed to look up womens skirts.

Theresa May is about to announce that British police will be allowed to look up women's skirts in future either by using their highly polished toe-caps or by using cameras concealed in their turn-ups.

Ms May, when questioned, stated: I have to look up David Cameron's arse every time I kiss it and I have no problem with that, neither am I offended when described as the contents of my underpants; if I am going to be openly scrutinised as primary female genitalia so should every-one else.

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Transparent bags reduce recycling among drunken middle class homes.

My domestic science corespondent Rusty McGlint informs me that people are embarrassed to put all their wine and spirits bottles along with beer cans in the transparent council recycling bags as it opens them to accusations of alcoholism from neighbours.

This is a middle class phenomenon as most working class people are proud of their alcohol intake as well as their ability to afford copious quantities of booze; some poor households are known to collect bottles and cans from the street in order to 'bulk out' their recycling bags. Dom Perignon bottles are highly desirable in certain areas where a well filled recycling bag can have a marked affect on house prices.

Why can we not have bags that hide our drinking habits?

Saturday, 24 October 2015

Michael Woods - Surrealist: Interview.

Second Pier deserts Mr Whippy.

Blackpool pier announced today that it will no longer allow Labourite 'Mr Whippy' to sell his 'mad' ice cream on the victorian structure. 'Lordy Grabbit; owner of the decaying structure explained that the pier was used mostly by courting couples looking for a quiet place for an al fresco shag and that 'We have nothing in common whatever with Mr Whippy – and I don’t believe his product which is both working class and dated is ever going to cause an erection.”

Shock and horror among fans as Bob Dylan goes eclectic.

There were cries of 'Judas' at the Royal Albert Hall when Dylan opened his residency there a couple of days ago etc etc etc...


                               Photo nicked from:

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

facebook is the Social Network crack dealer. Real friends come free.

He tells you his product is cool
he tell you it's hip:
'hey come take a trip'
it's on me, I'm buying, it's cool.

Once you are hooked he owns you.

He tells you if I leave you you'll die
you'll have no friends
you'll get the social bends
but I'll give them back if you buy

The friends that used to come free: In the days when we didn't measure our popularity by the number of strangers we now consider friends. All at the expense of friends we now consider strangers because they ain't on facebook.

If you want to remain friends with your facebook strangers it will cost you $10.00 per month.

I think you will find that your real friends come free.

Monday, 19 October 2015

Reigning Days, Friendly Fire. & at The Garage. Highbury.

I've been following this band for a few years now. It' great to see them doing as well as I thought they might.

They are playing The Garage in Highbury on the 28th of this month. Best catch them before you cannot buy a ticket.

Sunday, 18 October 2015

RBKC about to unveil new plans for Portobello and Golborne Roads.

My mole in Kensington Town Hall 'phoned this morning with alarming news of the latest 'alleged proposals' for North Kensington.  Here is a brief outline:

Portobello and Golborne Roads are to be gated at either end and at all intersections. The area is to be 'rebranded' as The Portobello Experience, tourists will be obliged to buy a Day Ticket which will allow them free entry to the tourist tat shops and the coffee shops. There will be a surcharge applied at all other establishments. Residents will be obliged to carry ID cards at all times, Homeowners with properties valued at over three million will be given gold 'priority' cards.

Security will be provided by thugs'

All market traders will be obliged to wear Pearly King/Queen style uniforms and to greet all customers with: 'Ello darlin'. 

Selfie sticks will be obligatory for all tourists and 'Selfie Opportunities' will be staged throughout the area including 'homeless drunks' and 'waiting for an ambulance' tableaux. The remaining bohemian artists in the area will be obliged to gather at various cafes each weekend entertaining the tourists with intense arguments over the importance of Surrealism in 21st Century London while being photographed.

The Portobello Green area will be renamed Bond Street West.

Seriously though...

There is a petition to stop RBKC messing about with Golborne Road HERE

Wednesday, 14 October 2015


I am the intruder
parasite on the broken home
I step in when he steps out
and the family is left alone
I can do no right
in the eyes of the kids
I have no right in law
I can do no right when breathing
and when I die...

 (I'll be respected for my tolerance in a very difficult situation but I'll never be as good as dad even though the two faced shit was shagging anything with tits and stealing money from the kids piggy banks to buy gay porn and donuts.)

I can do no more.

Monday, 12 October 2015

Wild West 10 - Golborne Stories of Struggle and Resistance

This is a great documentary made last year by Year 5 pupils from Bevington Primary School. W10. A must see for any resident of Golborne Ward and North Kensington in general. It explores the development of our community over the past 60 years from bomb ravaged slums through to gentrification.

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

Tories promise full employment by 2016.

Whatshisname hunt, you know the Tory toy boy has just announced that 'By 2016  nearly all British adults will be in full time employment in the Government sponsored sweat shops producing dreamcatchers and velvet dildo's for the elite few.  Those people too pathetic to do a days work will be expected to attend daily meetings in the house of Westminster.

Saturday, 3 October 2015

How to cook immigrants. No 1

I caught these immigrants living in the garden, stealing our sunlight. I cut them in half, scooped out the core, filled them with a mixture of garlic, anchovies, black pepper, sugar and olive oil then baked them for as long as it took. They eventually confessed to being delicious.