It is with a great sense of national irony that I can tell you that the English hooligan ensemble have performed way above expectations in France and have completely outshone the National football team.
The English squad management informed me this evening that: 'We are wasting our time trying to compete with the hooligan team, they are more disciplined and better managed all round. We might as well go home. '
A Fifa executive who refused to give his name without a £50 K bung told me that: ' Ingerlands going home, going home.'
A spokesdrunk for the hooligans muttered: 'Drink'.
It will be the first time in the competitions history that England will have finished the tournament without losing a game.
England won the world cup in 1966. Since then the world has refused to give us our ball back.