Satire. Any resemblance to you is entirely down to your sense of self importance.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Vinyl Cafe reopens on Portobello Road.

Like 'Coffee Plant' down the road Vinyl Cafe has as its origin a market stall.  This is the kind of thing we need to retain the identity of the road. Not Starbucks nor any of its ilk.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Westway Development Trust, yurts and RBKC.

From my mole in Portobello Green.

Many of us have wondered at the small yurts appearing in Portobello Green.



























Perhaps this snippet of a conversation ( between a blonde woman in heels and a curly haired man of elfin grace ) overheard today in the spring sunshine will help explain:

Him; What's with the yurts?
Her: We are preparing accommodation for the refugees who will be arriving soon.
Him: Where from, Syria?
Her: No! The Silchester estate when you turf the residents out in order to gentrify it.
Him: Now now, no need to be sarky. we are simply improving the quality of opportunities for some local residents to make some real improvements to their bank balances.
Her. That is what I thought. To that end I felt that by assisting with the temporary re-housing of what you call scum before you renege on your promises (in order to facilitate the lining of crony pockets) I hoped you might turn a blind eye to our similar plans for the Portobello Green area when it comes to planning consent.
Him: I love it when you talk dirty.


Editors note: This is obviously fake news and should be treated as such. The use of 'fake news' in satire is as old as the hills. The use of satire to take a poke at abusers of position or wealth is even older.

There are plans afoot however to 'socially cleanse' and 'gentrify' the Silchester Estate area. More on that another day.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Sex education in the sixties. A red herring.

As a six year old my entire knowledge of things sexual was obtained from eight year old boys in the school playground, they having been informed at six years old themselves. In the same fashion this information had been passed down, year on year, since Edward first confessed in 1066. This information was of course to be believed because it came with the declaration: It's true. Cross my heart and hope to die in a cellar full of rats'.

At age 11 my mother tried to disabuse me of my illicitly gained knowledge by placing on my pillow  a booklet on the reproductive cycle of fruit flies ,which I assumed, was where she got her knowledge from.

How on earth, I wondered, could a grown woman with six children (there was nothing in the publication about contraception.) think that fruit flies were anything to do with sex stuff. And furthermore the booklet did not contain the declaration: Cross my heart and hope to die.....

It could only be a lie or a red herring at best.


Monday, March 13, 2017

Arc of a diver

This is from the archives. first posted on the poetry blog in 2009.


I am aware that I am being most horribly punished for my actions and there is nothing I can do because I have already gone too far. This is unequivocal.

My assumption was; when my life flashed through my minds eye as I fell to my death, that it would contain itself to my past!

Such is the speed at which the human brain can work when pressed that I am allowed the luxury of this consideration as I watch both the wall of the multistory slip by and my future (or what future I would have had, had I not decided to take this final action) flash forward.

So now I know! For one nano-second I am enlightened and it has taken my own snuffing of the candle to illuminate me; what a paradox and surely one that only people such as me have ever been aware of… For if one dies a natural death at the moment specified in our timelines there would be no future life left to taunt us!

In this split second as I plummet headlong to the concrete below I am allowed the horror of seeing the Cancer misdiagnosed and good health regained. I witness the love and patience of my wife as she supports me through the trials of becoming successful as an artist, as she bears me a beautiful daughter who burgeons into an even more beautiful woman who brings two delightful grandchildren into my no longer possible life. I witness the retrospective at the Tate and the accolades that that itself would bring. I kneel before the King and humbly accept my Knighthood. I die peacefully at home, aged 92, surrounded by the people I would have loved!

It occurs to me that my punishment, though harsh, ends now.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

A stolen kiss.

I stole my first kiss
I did not know but
a kiss given freely

A kiss signalled by a
clumsily assembled pout
from carelessly painted lips
in a country bus shelter

Sheltered from buses perhaps
but not from a determined girl

nor from

the public transportation
of that first stolen kiss.


A short poem about longevity.

The older I get
the farther I go back
into memory

I imagine that

with my last breath
I will reach back to my first

and set eyes upon my mother again.

The 1940 'Leave the Allies' Referendum plan.




Neville Chamberlain delivering Fake News.



By September 1940, 2 months into the blitz it was feared that the RAF and and British air defenses could not cope with the relentless bombing. Things looked bad for this beleaguered island but Chamberlain had a plan.

The prime minister informed his cabinet that Britain was to hold a referendum on the question 'Should we leave the Allies and join the Axis union?' "It is a win, win situation". He told them. "If we win we become masters of the Planet once more and relive our days of Empire. If we lose we will benefit from massive reparation which will enable us to grow into the most powerful nation in Europe".

"On top of that". He added. "The 350,000.00 we are currently spending on air defence can be spent on cottage hospitals and stuff like that".

When asked about German atrocities he replied: "We have been turning a blind eye to Russian atrocities quite happily up until now I can see no problem in simply changing the direction in which we cast that blind eye".

"We'll be slaughtered by the Americans". Another cabinet member opined.

"Au contraire". Chamberlain retorted. "I have been reliably informed by my cleaning lady that Japan is about to piss off the Americans greatly by attacking Pearl Harbour which will embroil America in a war of it's own along with a new found obsession with building it's 'Pacific Wall'.

A muttering of: 'Who is Pearl Harbour?". Chinese whispered it's way around the Cabinet table.

At this point Churchill stood up, necked his tumbled of brandy and bellowed: "This is bollocks. We shall defend our right to fight, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never stop fighting among ourselves. How on earth can we agree on a referendum result".

The rest is not history.