Wednesday, 29 April 2020

Et in Isolation ego.

Forgive the cod Latin but anything goes when everything is going.

I started this blog 12 years ago not knowing where it was going.

I now find, in isolation, that a thousand people read something here every day.

Bless you all.

This is not isolation.

We now need to learn how to deal with grief.


We expect to die some time
we expect others to die some time
we all hope that we will die before the people we love
to save us the grieving

None of us expected this
unless you live in the middle East
where people die all the time but no-one here cares
to save us the grieving

No one expected this
no one taught us how to cope
quite frankly I'd rather die laughing than crying
to save us the grieving

Death is inevitable
grief is the killer.

How the Fabulous furry freak Brothers helped resolve a Coronavirus dilemma.

Editors note: Young people may have problems relating to this post.

I just ordered some stuff online, you know food and the like and some vodka.

It arrived an hour ago and, rubbergloved, I retrieved it from the doorstep. After looking at it for a while I removed my gloves, washed my hands, washed the items in the bags and then looked at it some more.

I thought: That vodka needs to go in the freezer.

I opened the freezer to put the vodka in but there was no room in the freezer, it was full of food.

I thought. I need to freeze that vodka.

So I sat down and thought, then I thought some more until finally I thought what would the freak brothers do?


I rolled a spliff of a gargantuan size and smoked it.
Waited for the munchies to kick in.
Ate half the contents of the freezer making room for the vodka.
Chilled to a Cheech and Chong album while the vodka chilled to balalaika music.

Drank the bottle of vodka to get over the stress.

It's cool.

Thursday, 23 April 2020


No matter how much idiot Trump
Gives it his blessing or his tub a thump
might cure Malaria or ease gangrene
will never cure Covid nineteen

Sunday, 19 April 2020

Path of Coronavirus.

There was an old bat that swallowed a virus
hardly desirous to swallow a virus perhaps it will die

There was a pangolin that swallowed that bat
fancy that it swallowed the bat perhaps it will die

There was a hungry family that swallowed the pangolin
sauteed in oil and garlic and mandarin perhaps they'll die.

There was a virus that swallowed that family
as it leapt from the bat to the pangolin to humanity

It swallowed that family to kill off humanity
to save the pangolin
and save the bat
that swallowed the virus
that wriggles and jiggles and finally kills us
to ensure the planet wont die.

Saturday, 18 April 2020

Fake news.

It is pissing with rain outside
the cobbles are awash with liquid Corona virus
the zombies are dissolving in the water
the zombie juice is killing the virus
and dissolving fatbergs on its way to the Thames.

Monday, 13 April 2020

Darth Vicar.

 Available for online weddings, christenings and Jedi exorcisms.

Imaginary friend.

My imaginary friend has left me, he just vanished in the night.
I called my psychiatrist and told him. He said: "Congratulations you are cured".
I said: "I don't want to be cured,

I'd rather be mad than alone".

Sunday, 12 April 2020


I wrote this nonsense ten years ago when I was hospitalised with lung disease. It seems appropriate now.

With abject apologies to T.S Elliot.

She came to me in the ICU
I was weak and struggling for breath
hope it seemed was in short supply
and all roads led to death
but she talked to me of white horses
she took me for walks on the beach
she talked of Michelangelo
and dared me to eat a peach
she sang the songs of mermaids
to the sound of the surf on the sand
took my blood by the thimblefull
from a tube on the back of my hand.

I left one day in a mini cab
far preferable to a hearse
but she remained in the ICU
my wonderful NHS nurse.

Thursday, 9 April 2020

The hoarders prayer.

Our freezer in Kitchen
Hotpoint be your name
your Kingsmill come
you will be filled
as if in heaven
give us this day our daily bread
and forgive our greed
as we have special need
And lead us not into Sainsbury's
deliver us from Aldi
Etcetera etcetera


Ozzy Osbourne and Coronavirus.

On January 20th, 1982, the singer infamously bit the head off of a live bat on-stage in Des Moines, Iowa during his "Diary of a Madman" tour after a fan threw the animal at Osbourne's feet. He picked the bat up, and, as he wrote in his book "I Am Ozzy," he said "Immediately, though, something felt wrong.

This of course did not cause the virus but did spawn a legion of Chinese tribute bands keen to emulate the master.

We may never know.

Monday, 6 April 2020

Balthazar, coronavirus and the future.

My companion in this time of crisis is Balthazar.

Balthazar is a baobab tree grown from a seed collected in Mauritius by a friend.
Last week things looked bad for Balthazar. I thought he had died. But in the last couple of days he is showing signs of life: leaves are sprouting.

There is a future.

Friday, 3 April 2020

God and coronavirus.

I couldn't sleep last night, too much on my mind, why Sarah will not talk to me anymore,viruses and the like..

I went downstairs in the dark to the kitchen to find some alcohol.

Before I could switch a light on a voice rang out: "Leave us in the dark my son" It said.
"Who are you". I asked, equally in the dark.
"GOD" was the reply.
I said: "Well sit yourself down, have a cup of sake and explain why you are doing this to mankind, after all we are your chosen lot, made in your own image and stuff like that".
"Au conrtaire" said God (did I mention he was a polyglot?)  "I am doing this to protect my chosen lot and the planet from you fools."

As he left the house I turned on the light.

Jasmine in crisis.

The streets are empty save
the occasional passer by
we nod in recognition of
something unspeakable but

The jasmine is flowering

The urban foxes, imploring eyed
are starving now
foodwaste a thing of the past
the streets are clean

The jasmine is flowering.

Knife crime at an all time low
and muggers cower in
their self isolated loathing
mugged themselves by the virus

The jasmine is flowering.

Each day I venture outside
remove my mask
lean in, smell the scent
and think of you

The jasmine is flowering.

Wednesday, 1 April 2020

Stockholm Syndrome.

As a result of weeks of self imprisonment I have developed full blown Stockholm Syndrome.
I am undergoing treatments including anti-selfamotory drugs and aversion therapy.
There is also an issue of side affects including self-loathing and low self esteem for which I am receiving two hours of compliments a day.
wish me luck.