My old friend So Su Mi, the fragrant oriental 'liar of Kowloon', dropped in today for a cup of green tea and a fish paste sandwich.
So Su Mi was the inspiration years ago for my poem 'Lying to me was the only honest thing she done' and her habit of wearing plastic gardenias (sprayed with feminine deodorant 'to keep them fragrant') in her hair never ceased to amuse me. Whenever she visits she rifles through my notebooks for words to steal and I always count the silver when she's gone.
So Su Mi once stole my collection of dolls eyes.
So Su Mi is in love! This was the reason for her visit: 'I am in love'. She trilled as she entered the room. 'I am really in love. Really really in love'.
I gave her a chair before she had time to steal anything and poured the tea. 'Tell me about him'. I said.
She went on at length: 'He is amazing. He is not like any other man; he is handsome, he is intelligent, he does not smell, he is rich, he adores me, he is the only man I have ever felt was my equal, did I tell you he is rich....'
I allowed her to waffle on in this manner for a good half hour before interjecting with the question: 'And where did you meet him?'
'Oh we have only talked on facebook. He loves my poetry and is teaching me about the beauty of everything around me. I feel that I am on some special journey into an unknown land and he is handsome, rich, intelligent blah blah blah etc'.
'And what do you want from me So Su Mi'. I asked.
'I need some more poems to blind him with. I cannot fool him with my usual 'cut and pastes' from the Oxford book of Modern Verse. Give me some poetry'.
I handed her my Morocco bound, signed, first edition of the collected works of McGonagal having first 'bookmarked' 'The Tay Bridge Disaster'. Saying: 'Here. This should be perfect'.
She thrust the book into her faux Gucci handbag, smeared me with a sneering kiss and oozed oleogenously from my house.
She telephoned me twenty minutes ago. Telling me that it is all over: 'I hate him. He is a psycho after all. His profile picture wasn't him and he isn't rich. He is a security guard at Tesco. I have called the police; his credit card was snatched back by the ATM when I tried to use it. He questioned my lies. He tried to make me pay for coffee and he is a liar'.
'What did he think of McGonegal'. I asked.
'Oh. I sold that shitty old book and bought some glitter'.
'Goodbye So Su Mi'. I lisped as I hung up.